airplane noise
Published 2024-07-27
Over the years, a static has been building, getting louder and louder. It feels like my head is filling up with cotton, making it hard to think, to feel, to be.
It's like the loud white noise you hear when you're on an airplane. I think it's the engine, or maybe it's the sound of the plane cutting through the air at high speeds. I don't really care enough to look it up for this analogy.
When I'm in an airplane, I can function. I can talk to people. I can watch movies. I can listen to music. I can do a lot of things. But the noise is always there, in the background. It can be disorienting, painful even.
Sometimes you put on noise-cancelling headphones to help tune it out. Or you force yourself to fall asleep. But you always know how many hours you have to endure this. You know it is temporary. At some point you'll land, and you can go on to live your life.
Imagine being in an airplane all your life, never knowing life without the noise. You didn't know that this plane could land. It's painful. It's hard. But you're able to function, so you just accept that it's a part of your lived experience.
Then one day you learn that this is a plane that can land, if you really want it to. And when it lands, you won't hear that sound anymore. You start to imagine life without the noise. All the things you can do once you no longer have to spend your effort and mental energy tuning out that noise.
You don't know what life is like without the noise, you've never experienced it. But you somehow know that it's something that you want. Like that's how it was supposed to be. All the other passengers on the plane know this already. You get excited for this to finally be over, for the plane to land so you can start your journey. To arrive.
I can't wait to reach this place. A place where my mind finds peace and a sense of stillness.
I know it's in my future. I have line of sight.
The plane is beginning its descent.
Written on 2024-07-27 while reflecting on how I feel about potentially starting HRT soon.