all thoughts are my own
Published 2024-04-17
When I decided to start writing again, I felt inclined to put a disclaimer like "all thoughts are my own" somewhere in this blog. It was as if I had to assert that all thoughts shared in this blog are indeed my own, lest they be someone else's. I now question what that even means, and how that is affecting my ability to be creative.
Can a thought or idea be truly mine? Or is it merely derived from everything that I have learned, read, people I have interacted with, and my other life experiences? What does it even mean to "own" a thought? Surely, it is not a property or a commodity. It exists in dialogue with the thoughts and ideas of the people around me, and those who existed before me. Without condoning plagiarism, I find the overall notion that one can "own" a thought rather arrogant.
"Have you considered writing them down?" people often say to me when I make puns. Flattering as that may be, I would much rather my puns dissipate into the ether, after having induced the intended laughs (or groans).
Making puns is a byproduct of my ludic state of mind, a kind of playfulness that arises when I inhabit a mental stillness or emptiness that I can only describe as "creative alertness" or "thoughtful thoughtlessness". I derive great pleasure from being in this state. It is where I am most calm and comfortable.
On the other hand, if someone says "make a pun" I instantly freeze. The forced thinking doesn't allow for the mental flexibility I need for free-association. It feels like I'm being put under the spotlight and asked to improvise. This is similar to the pressure I placed upon myself while writing.
The bar was suddenly made unreachably high. My writing had to be serious, thoughtful, and meaningful. I had to have my own unique writing voice, my personal takes, and also be well-researched with sufficient citations for it to bear any weight. This effectively caused me to abstain from writing altogether, hesitant to even allow my creativity to be witnessed.
I've come to realise that maybe life is too short to worry about such a thing. It is easy to forget that I, here, now, in my body and mind, am unique, simply by definition. It's not about weather I have anything worthy to say to some imagined interlocutor; rather, it is that I have said it. And that is enough.
To echo the wisdom of a late and very dear friend, "do what you do, and find your friends". I must embody my intrinsic creativity in whatever way it longs to express itself, and be among people who appreciate this expression. I must also accept that my creativity won't please everyone.
I had to overcome formidable hesitation in order to start writing again. I was holding myself back until I was fertile with ideas that contained "original" thoughts. I've now decided that my posts need not be weighed down by this need to be endlessly profound. Instead, I embrace a space for both thoughtful exploration, and playful thoughtlessness. It is enough that they are simply thoughts that I, myself, have thunk.
Original draft written on 2023-07-02.