i dont care about hope

Hope is no longer something I hold out for.

Events unfolding in 2024-2025 has made me really feel at a loss for my ability to feel safe or have any sense of stability/permanence. Hope, to me, stems from a deep need to feel a sense of control about the world (at large), the outcomes, the reactions of people around me, my own mental state,…

I deserve to be happy. The emphasis here is on the word deserve. This shifts my mind out of the fight-or-flight mode of wanting to control things in order to feel safe, and towards agency.

I may never actually be happy, or obtain a circumstance that will truly make me feel 100% safe. But even if I am never happy or safe, at least I know that I deserve it. And that’s enough (for now).

Allowing myself that small semblance of humanity gives me the license to engage in small acts of self-love that remind me of whatever little agency I do have. Like going to a park on a sunny day, or meeting a friend for dinner or coffee, or cooking myself something delicious.

I deserve to be happy. It is the only thing that pulled me out of some real dark times. The moment I tell myself that I don’t deserve it is when I start to spiral uncontrollably. So I hold onto that belief for dear life.

And in case you need to hear it, you deserve it too.